Why I like library's.

To be honest I'm not a big reader. I must only read one book a year. But when I do read I get really into the book and never put it down for a few days solid. 

It's not the books or the reading that draws me to library's. It's the fact it makes me feel safe. The quiet and labyrinth of book shelves that make me feel hidden. Everything is organised, in its right place neat and tidy, which strangely calms my brain.  I don't feel judged and the little amount of people that are there keep to themselves, I can relax. I can do bits and bobs and no one takes notice. It's a haven for me when I need to be away from things. When things are too much and I need to sort my thoughts out. 

To day I am here.

 I'm not sure why. 

I feel guilty, like I'm a deceiver. 

'It's good to talk' said my mother

Today I had my first counciling session and I feel good. I feel normal. I don't feel like I'm in a box. I feel lighter.  I feel like I deserve things. I feel like I deserve happiness. 

I treated myself to a soy coffee and finally started reading the last Harry Potter book after 10year. 

Tattoos

I desperately want this tattoo on my thigh.

Bye bye sugar and milk

So as I'm trying to loose weight, i decided to give up sugar. I'm looking into alternatives to help quash those sweet tooth cravings. 

Also I have officially given up milk. I won't get in to why but it's the start of my vegan transition. So I first tried hemp milk as its healthy and I read it doesnt curdle in coffee, which wonderfully it doesn't. 

I'm going to give up cheese for abit to, see how that goes. 

Burns night

So my husband made vegan haggis,neeps and tatties for burns night. Candles lit, log fire on the tv, selkirk grace, piping of the haggis and address to the haggis. 

He is bloody nuts. 

We aren't Scottish. 

We just occasionally do themed nights.

Little things like this makes like feel so happy. It make me see how wonderful life can be just by doing these little daft things. 

Fatty

Oh fudgekins! What's happen to me. I feel like I'm slowly waking up from my depressive sleep, seeing a mess I've left around me. I've woke up and looked in the mirror and I'm fat. Not like a little bit chunky, like size 14 and classed as over bloody weight. I'm unhealthy, excess fat puts pressure on my organs and joints, increase health complications. I am 12.4 stone. I just can't stop putting on weight. I just don't do much exercise any more and eat so much it's embarrassing. I just don't have the motivation or self control. I don't fit in to any of my pretty dresses and all I do is complain I'm fat. Worst of all when I look in the mirror I don't recognise the image that's in front of me.

So my plan is to make a diet and exercise plan. I want to be 8.12stone again I was the most happiest at this weight. A nice healthy size 10. To do so I need to loose 48 pounds. I have never been on diet, wish me luck. 

Get rid of that unbrushed birds nest I call hair.

I have not been looking after myself at all. I've been rarely washing and I couldn't tell you the last time I brushed my hair, until today. Holey moley, I really need to sort myself out. Look at the bushy mess.

Sooooooo I chopped my hair off. Stage one of looking after myself again.

What do you do when you loose your way?

 I'm lost. I took a wrong turning some where down the lane, I've ended up in  the middle of this dark and dreary wood. Whatever way I go the branches and leaves get thicker. The twigs pulling at my clothes. No light getting through the canopy, it's near pitch black. I just can't get out the wood, and back into the sunlight. I want my face to feel the warmth of happiness. Not the constant brain fog of the dank wood. Tree roots trip me as I go, I constantly loose balance and feel more disoriented. I need something to help me guide me in the right direction. A beam of light to show that I'm going to be ok, give me the strength to keep going. I need to make myself a map so I know where I'm going.

Why I don't eat almonds.

Right I am labeled as a pesciterian. I have not eaten meat for 8years. But Yes I eat seafood. Not crab or lobster though. Why don't I eat meat but eat fish. Because I just do. I carefully pick the type of fish I eat. I  want to stop over fishing and farming. I only have pole and line caught fish from contries that are regulated properly. Yes one day I will stop eating fish but not now. I will never eat meat again though. At the moment I'm decreasing my dairy intake. I only have milk in my coffee and in my porridge, so I'm in the process of finding a alternative. 

And then to cut out cheese. 

And then seafood 

But will most likely continue to eat bivalves, I need to do more research on that subject.

I eat honey. And I will continue to eat honey to. But in the future I will only buy local honey that's has a small production. Why? Because I feel bee keepers keep the bees going. Not the mass production of honey, I then feel the bees are being exploited.

My dad keeps bees 

He calls them his 'girls' 

I've seen first hand the care that bee keeper give the bees and do so much to keep them going over the winter and the protection from mites that could potentially wipe the bees out. 

What I don't like are almond farms. They bring in Lorry loads of hives to pollinate the almond tree, once done, they move the poor bees on to the next arboretum. The bees are left exploited and confused. These Lorry load of bees travel all over America mostly around California 

It's sad, bees are so hard working and they are used. 

I don't eat almonds."What?" you say "you eat fish but you won't eat a nut cuz your worried about an insect."

Confused?

To be honest so am I.

Also I don't eat insects 

I try hard to be compassionate about all living things but it's not always easy. 

Eggs I'm still not sure where I stand with egg.

One step at a time 

I also don't wear any animals products

No fur, no suede, no angora, no leather ( apart from my vintage hand made leather satchel my mommy bought me 10years ago, can't face getting rid of it)

Wool, not sure where I stand with wool.

Pathetically crying in to my coffee.

Today I am a mess,  why are our mind so fragile. As I sit here drinking my coffee I'm trying to fight back the tears. 'Why are you crying?' You ask. I have no idea. Well I feel frustrated, confused, useless, fed up, lost, unsure, my skin feels itchy and my bones aches. I hate this depression thing, mr black dog is horrible. I have just thought, I haven't washed in 2days and I haven't wash my hair in 5. I'm disgusting. Why do I find everything so hard. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this, because there are homeless and very ill people in a worst way. I'm just sad I have a poorly brain. I feel like my mind is at war with itself, and I then feel like I'm loosing my grip on reality. I'm getting worst but getting better at hiding it. I feel like one day I'm going to implode.

As a tear rolls down my cheek and plops on to the foam of my coffee, I realise I need professional help. When did I get so pathetic. I struggled quite a lot last year with depression. I took on too much and couldn't cope. This year I want to get better. I will get better. I will sort myself out and look after myself.

So I have a plan for 2016, a couple of goals.
1. Loose 3 stone.
2. Get more into animal rights.
3. Climb Scafell pike.
4. Complete first year of uni.
5. Celebrate my 30th in Marrakech.
6. Clear skin routine.
7. Volunteer at the hospice.
8. Spend Christmas somewhere snowy.
9. Spend more time with friends and family.
10. Start cognitive behavioural therapy.
11. Get my beautiful tattoo.
12. Do the wolf run.
13. Go vegan for a month.
14. 1st wedding anniversary at carters.
15. Blog?
16. Get a 'eat breakfast' habit.
17. Get some bloody confidence.

I'm treating today as a new start to looking after me and not being so hard on myself for having depression. And stop feeling so lost.