Why I like library's.

To be honest I'm not a big reader. I must only read one book a year. But when I do read I get really into the book and never put it down for a few days solid. 

It's not the books or the reading that draws me to library's. It's the fact it makes me feel safe. The quiet and labyrinth of book shelves that make me feel hidden. Everything is organised, in its right place neat and tidy, which strangely calms my brain.  I don't feel judged and the little amount of people that are there keep to themselves, I can relax. I can do bits and bobs and no one takes notice. It's a haven for me when I need to be away from things. When things are too much and I need to sort my thoughts out. 

To day I am here.

 I'm not sure why. 

I feel guilty, like I'm a deceiver. 

'It's good to talk' said my mother

Today I had my first counciling session and I feel good. I feel normal. I don't feel like I'm in a box. I feel lighter.  I feel like I deserve things. I feel like I deserve happiness. 

I treated myself to a soy coffee and finally started reading the last Harry Potter book after 10year. 

Tattoos

I desperately want this tattoo on my thigh.

Bye bye sugar and milk

So as I'm trying to loose weight, i decided to give up sugar. I'm looking into alternatives to help quash those sweet tooth cravings. 

Also I have officially given up milk. I won't get in to why but it's the start of my vegan transition. So I first tried hemp milk as its healthy and I read it doesnt curdle in coffee, which wonderfully it doesn't. 

I'm going to give up cheese for abit to, see how that goes. 

Burns night

So my husband made vegan haggis,neeps and tatties for burns night. Candles lit, log fire on the tv, selkirk grace, piping of the haggis and address to the haggis. 

He is bloody nuts. 

We aren't Scottish. 

We just occasionally do themed nights.

Little things like this makes like feel so happy. It make me see how wonderful life can be just by doing these little daft things. 

Fatty

Oh fudgekins! What's happen to me. I feel like I'm slowly waking up from my depressive sleep, seeing a mess I've left around me. I've woke up and looked in the mirror and I'm fat. Not like a little bit chunky, like size 14 and classed as over bloody weight. I'm unhealthy, excess fat puts pressure on my organs and joints, increase health complications. I am 12.4 stone. I just can't stop putting on weight. I just don't do much exercise any more and eat so much it's embarrassing. I just don't have the motivation or self control. I don't fit in to any of my pretty dresses and all I do is complain I'm fat. Worst of all when I look in the mirror I don't recognise the image that's in front of me.

So my plan is to make a diet and exercise plan. I want to be 8.12stone again I was the most happiest at this weight. A nice healthy size 10. To do so I need to loose 48 pounds. I have never been on diet, wish me luck. 

Get rid of that unbrushed birds nest I call hair.

I have not been looking after myself at all. I've been rarely washing and I couldn't tell you the last time I brushed my hair, until today. Holey moley, I really need to sort myself out. Look at the bushy mess.

Sooooooo I chopped my hair off. Stage one of looking after myself again.